Work It Like A Mum
Work It Like A Mum
Redefine Success: Embrace Authenticity and Leadership with Jen Smollet
Ever feel like you’re living by someone else’s definition of success? Struggling to align who you genuinely are with society’s expectations? In this episode of ‘Work It Like a Mum’, we tackle these challenges with leadership coach Jen Smollet. Jen uncovers how to break free from external pressures, define success on your terms, and lead authentically. She offers practical advice on aligning your values with your actions, helping you create a life that genuinely reflects who you are.
What we explore:
- Discovering Authenticity: Learn why understanding who you are is the foundation for resilience and fulfilment.
- Challenging Society’s Expectations: Redefine success by focusing on what truly matters to YOU!
- Values-Based Leadership: See how embodying your core values can transform your leadership and relationships.
- Reflect and Realign: Assess whether your life reflects your true passions and values.
Why You Should Listen:
This episode provides valuable insights into embracing your authentic self and redefining success in a way that feels true to you. Jen offers actionable advice to help you lead purposefully, make decisions that reflect your core values, and achieve a more satisfying and authentic life. Tune in to discover how to transform your approach to success and leadership!
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Hey, I'm Elizabeth Willits and I'm obsessed with helping as many women as possible achieve their boldest dreams after kids and helping you to navigate this messy and magical season of life. I'm a working mom with over 17 years of recruitment experience and I'm the founder of the Investing in Women job board and community. In this show, I'm honored to be chatting with remarkable women redefining our working world across all areas of business. They'll share their secrets on how they've achieved extraordinary success after children, set boundaries and balance, the challenges they faced and how they've overcome them to define their own versions of success. Shy away from the real talk? No way. Money struggles, growth, loss, boundaries and balance. We cover it all. Think of this as coffee with your mates, mixed with an inspiring TED Talk sprinkled with the career advice you wish you'd really had at school. So grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, make sure you're cosy and get ready to get inspired and chase your boldest dreams, or just survive Mondays. This is the Work it Like A Mum podcast. This episode is brought to you by Investing in Women. Investing in Women is a job board and recruitment agency helping you find your dream part-time or flexible job with the UK's most family-friendly and forward-thinking employers. Their site can help you find a professional and rewarding job that works for you. They're proud to partner with the UK's most family-friendly employers across a range of professional industries, Ready to find your perfect job? Search their website at investinginwomencouk to find your next part-time or flexible job opportunity. Now back to the show.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Work it Like A Mum podcast. Today I am chatting with leadership coach Jen Smollett and we've got a really value-packed episode for you today. The premise of the episode is for all our listeners to come away with a stronger sense of knowing who they are, what they want and then how to get it. So Jen is an expert in this and works really closely with clients to help them define their values, their own definition of success, and then are able to become authentic leaders based upon what they have learned about themselves through their work with Jen. So Jen is coming in today to do a little bit of a workshop type podcast episode with us. We're really lucky to have her, but I will let Jen introduce herself and explain a little bit about her work fantastic.
Speaker 2:Thanks so much, liz. That was a great introduction. I don't know what I can add.
Speaker 1:I was just like off the call.
Speaker 2:Thanks, you've done a few things you obviously know me so well as well as, so, thank you. Um, yeah, so I love everything to do with authenticity and allowing people to be who they are and living the life that they want to live, and a big part of that, of course, is leaders, so people that are in leadership roles knowing who they are so they can lead better, support other people to be who they are as well. Authenticity is just such a thread that runs through everything, because then, you know, when we're looking at resilience or we're looking at how people can live in a way that they're happier or more satisfied in life, authenticity is the key. That is the thing that we always come back to. So I am, as you know, so passionate about the topic of authenticity. So, yeah, I'm excited to to jump in here with you.
Speaker 1:I am too, and I know we're going to talk about definitions of success and, like before we hit record, I'm going to let you go into this because I know you've you've obviously done a lot of work in it. But it's fairly hard, isn't it? When society, from when we are tiny, tells us what success looks like whether it's walking by a certain age talk, you know these development milestones you have for baby children. Then when they start school, it's you know certain tests, how well they've performed in that, whether they've got in the football team, depending on their interest, and then parental pressure as well like this is what a good job looks like, this is what a career, and we can often feel like we are letting ourselves down, letting our others down, if we don't meet those expectations yeah, absolutely, and I don't think we take much opportunity along the way to explore whether that is what we want.
Speaker 2:You know, we're told we have a choice in our career and of course we do make choices, but ultimately there's still a particular aim that we're trying to get to, whether that's a particularly you know well-paid job, for example, or a job that has status, or whatever it might be. Yeah, I absolutely agree. I think we we fall into that and that becomes, you know, what we're supposed to be aiming for absolutely.
Speaker 1:You get on this treadmill quite young, don't you? It's, you know, aiming to do certain, a level of aiming to get into a certain university, naturally yeah, and maybe get married, have children.
Speaker 2:You know those being the other things that we're. You know society tells us that we're we're supposed to do as well.
Speaker 1:House which is obviously increasingly hard for a lot of people.
Speaker 2:But you know there might be some free spirits listening to this that would rather go traveling exactly, yeah, exactly, and that's for me, that's what matters most is not what we're excuse me, not what society tells us or other people tell us that we're supposed to have in life, but actually, what is it that we truly want, what's going to set us on fire, you know, and what are we going to truly enjoy, and that's what we should be doing brilliant.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm really excited for this podcast going to give us some tips, because it's obviously so hard, isn't it to? If you've been on the treadmill for a long time, like I'm sure a lot of our listeners have to then actually get off that, take stock and think about actually who you are and what you want. So I'm looking forward to all your tips. I know you've prepared something amazing. Yeah, yeah, brilliant. So, um. So, first of all, I mean looking um the um, the work you sent through to me earlier. It's about your values, isn't it so? Is that where you would recommend people start?
Speaker 2:absolutely, yeah, always. Start with our values. Yeah, definitely. I think looking at our values is quite it's interesting. It's quite a daunting task, I think, for many people, and yet at the same time it feels so simple. So it's the kind of thing that really we need to spend some time on really looking at it. You know I've got a list of values. I mean, if you Google a list of values, you'll come up with a list. You know, there are so many words out there to describe the way that we want to be in the world, and it's both easy to identify the words that matter to us and also hard, because usually most people will look at that list of values and be like, well, yeah, I'd like to be all of them, you know of course we all want to be.
Speaker 1:What would give us some examples of some values, then, and words that people yeah, so one of my values is acceptance.
Speaker 2:So I am accepting of other people and that really really matters to me. So, within a coaching space, but also in my life, actually accepting people as they are, for who they are, is really important for me and that's how I want to be. I want to, you know, whoever is in front of me, they, I want them to feel a sense of being accepted by me, and that's really important. It's a thread that comes in when I'm talking to people about the coaching with me as well. The space that I create is a space is accepting, and I think that's tied in with authenticity, which is another value of mine and that other people could have as well. But really it's about being accepting. So I guess I'm kind of coming around full circle to defining what a value is, because a value can be many different things and we'll talk about how kind of being words and having words.
Speaker 2:So in acceptance and commitment therapy, the his name has escaped me Ross Harris, I think his name is but he he created acceptance and commitment therapy and and he talks about values as being words. They are a way that we be in the world. So it's about me being accepting not necessarily having acceptance from other people, it's more the being part of it, and that's really important, and that's the kind of definition that I use when I work with people to identify what their values are. You know, especially in leadership, for example, how do you want to be in your leadership? Do you want to be accepting of people's differences? Do you want to be accepting of people's challenges, of people's strengths? Do you want to be?
Speaker 2:Whatever the words are, it's the being part of it that really matters in terms of who you are as a person. That's really key, and I can talk a little bit more about how to identify that. But then the other thing that is really important for us all to know about, in life more generally as well, is actually the values that we want to have, and there can be a difference, and yet there they may. They can be different or they can be the same the same. So for me, acceptance is really important to be and to have. I want to feel accepted as well.
Speaker 1:I want to have right in case. It's how you want to be treated. It's basically how you treat others, but also how you want to be treated yeah, exactly so.
Speaker 2:That's the having of the value and the being. But then another value that I want to have is freedom. But freedom really isn't for me, it isn't a being word in the sense of how I am with other people.
Speaker 2:Now, I know exactly because then we get into the minutiae of what values. The key thing values is is what they mean to you, and when I think about freedom, I really want freedom in my life. You know, I kind of make a lot of decisions around how me and my family live our lives, and it's my wife loves it too. You know, freedom is something that's really important to us. We make decisions in our lives to ensure that we have as much freedom as possible. That's really important. But actually, when it comes to a word for the way that I be and behave with other people, actually I could link freedom in there and say that it is freedom or it's acceptance, and actually for me, acceptance is the way, or accepting is the way, that I be, which does perhaps create a sense of freedom for somebody that is spending time with me. So freedom is very closely linked in there. But when I think about me specifically and what it truly means, I want to think of, you know, acceptance and inclusivity. They're the kind of that's the kind of acceptance I'm talking about, and so that's why acceptance is a better word for how I want to be. But then having freedom is my thing, that I want to have as well as acceptance. But for me there's a very tiny difference, but actually quite a huge difference in how they feel.
Speaker 2:For me, because freedom is kind of being able to make choices and, you know, do the things that I want to do, whereas me having acceptance is that I can go into a space and feel okay to be me, feel safe within that space to be myself. So, or you could say, free to be myself. You know, and I think this is the key thing, and and this is why, in coaching in particular, when we focus on values, it really doesn't matter what. I think it's your definition. You know, like you might think, liz, that actually for you, acceptance might feel very different. It might look very different in terms of your behavior or in terms of you having it, and actually that's what matters. It matters.
Speaker 1:Your interpretation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how the person interprets it exactly. And I think that's when we, when we look at and think about actually how vast and wonderful language is, but also it's finite, it language can't actually always represent the whole experience that we're having, and so we use language in a really great way and you know I say acceptance, you know what it means, but really when we're diving into who you are, then it's the language that you use to describe that one thing within yourself. And actually maybe language isn't quite enough, and that's why we want to talk about it more, to really get to the depths of what it really truly means to you freedom might mean someone can go off traveling tomorrow, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or it might mean that they have got a stable career and they've paid off their mortgage and they freedom from certain financial responsibilities yeah, yeah, exactly, or freedom from relationships, or you know family members that don't serve you anymore, or yeah, I was gonna say when you were chatting to this. It sounds like you and your wife have similar values and it sort of sounds like it's a good exercise to do.
Speaker 1:You know family members that don't serve you anymore, or yeah, I was going to say when you were chatting to this it sounds like you and your wife have similar values and it sounds like it's a good exercise to do. You know if you're thinking about a life partner actually, does that person share your values? And also, when you're interviewing for jobs or you're interviewing somebody to join your team, you're guessing.
Speaker 2:You know it's important that you share values you know, guessing, you know, is important then you share values. Yeah, absolutely, and I think, especially when it comes to work. I think that's when it really matters about the being and the having, because actually there might be some work where I don't feel like I have the freedom in the work itself, but I might. It might give me freedom outside of the work, for example, whereas actually what really truly matters is that can I use the value of being accepting in that work and that really matters. And then looking at the values of the organization you know, actually if I'm, we're going to practice the value of acceptance.
Speaker 2:But then actually when I look at the wider policies, you know their flexible working, for example, isn't very forward thinking. Or, you know, actually looking at bigger things within that organisation, actually does the organisation match with how I want to be and the approach that I want to take? Because if I want to support a member of my team to, you know, put in a flexible working request, for example, because I believe that that's going to benefit them and therefore the business, does the company allow me to do that that? So I guess there's kind of few different layers when it comes to looking at an organization and people that you're working with as well. But do you have to have the same values? I don't think you do. Do you need your values to complement each other or to work alongside each other? I think we do.
Speaker 2:I think freedom is a really interesting one for me in my relationship because actually, you know, we've made some big life decisions based around that being something that's really important to us. So we home educate and I mentioned that before and actually that gives us a significant amount of freedom, and part of the decision was that we wanted to have freedom for us and we wanted to have freedom for our children. Of course, it's way more than just that, but knowing that we both value having freedom means that when we have those big decisions around something like that, we can have a conversation. But we're kind of we've got a good starting point of actually this is really aligned with what it is that we want. And I'll give you another example as well.
Speaker 2:We were having a conversation recently about we're moving house and we were like we could stay in this house and really spend some money on making it what we want it to be, you know, or we could move and we could downsize and have more money available for the home, education or whatever else it is that we want to do.
Speaker 2:And there was a big, huge part of me potentially we'll talk about this later around success is a big part of me that really wants to slog and do the house, you know, renovate the house and spend the money on the house.
Speaker 2:But actually when we came back to it, I we talked about it and it was like that that will take away so much of our freedom, and freedom is what we want more than the house being this kind of all singing or dancing house, and actually we've made the decision to well, we're not downsized. It's probably slightly downsized, it's not as big as what we were. You know, we could have done with this house, but actually that's because that's what matters to us, because we want a house that we feel good in, we want a house that we can feel free in, and then we want freedom outside of it, and that freedom, ultimately, was the thing that we kind of came back to of the decision of like, no, actually the freedom matters and therefore moving into that new house is the best decision for us, because renovating won't give us freedom, it'll take it away.
Speaker 1:So someone Googles values. They see actually a lot of words. Obviously, the best way to define your values is probably to work with you, jen, but if someone who wanted to have a bit of a go on their own, how would they go about defining their own values?
Speaker 2:yeah. So, yeah, google it, have a look, or, um, I'm sure you'll be able to share, on the after the podcast, my workbook as well for people to explore. So have a look at a list of values first of all and see if any stand out to you. Some people pick 20 from the list, some people pick three straight away and they're kind of you know, feel good about that. But if you're the kind of person that there's loads of values on there and you just don't really feel like you know where to start, then a good place to start is to think about a time when you felt really happy. So it could be something that you've achieved, but it could have just been something like an experience that went well. And if you think about an experience that you went well and you felt good about, the chances are you were able in that time to practice your values. So maybe it was a time I don't know for me when my sister had a baby and I was able to go and be there and look after her and her baby. For me, that kind of allowed me to be compassionate. It allowed my compassionate side to come out. That was something that I just I loved it. I really enjoyed doing that and so that can draw out a value for you.
Speaker 2:In that sense, I think about probably two scenarios where that's happened, because that will draw out different, different values from a work perspective. If you want to try and think of one of those in terms of being, yeah, a professional experience as well, then that would be give you a broader view, though the values that you want to be are not work specific, they're kind of you specific. So thinking about two different scenarios is good, and then the second step would be to have a look at two scenarios where, actually, you felt really frustrated, and often something that we find frustrating is most likely because we're not able to behave in a way that's aligned with our values. So, for example, if I've been in a situation where I've had to make a decision and I haven't wanted to make the decision and it's felt like not a compassionate decision, for example, then that might make me feel like I haven't shown my compassion. So it's kind of the opposite that your value wasn't able to be in that scenario.
Speaker 2:Now you might, whilst you're doing this exercise, you might actually start to see the values. Some of them might be the having values and some of them might be being values, and so at this point, don't worry too much about that, but just have it in the back of your mind. You know, was it that I wasn't able to behave in a way that was this value, or was it that this thing was taken away from me or that I didn't have, and, for example, acceptance? You know, it might not be that it was me that wasn't able to be accepting, but actually was it a situation where I didn't feel accepted by, by?
Speaker 1:you know I'm thinking of it. It's like completely unwork related. But I'm actually quite tidy and then if my family come around they are very messy and then I end up getting really frustrated in the kitchen. I'm like, what have you done? It looks like a bomb's gone off and actually talking to you, I'm like that must be one of my values, something that's really important to you, yeah, really important, because it really irritates yeah, and actually it's interesting because when we think about it, would we?
Speaker 2:you know, being tidy, I suppose, is a thing that you experience, but if we were to dive deeper into you, actually is organized, something that is really important to you, like is, or being kind of on top of things, you know, in, not necessarily in control.
Speaker 1:I know, because you know what this is, I'll show you my life. This is like I'm constantly got this going on.
Speaker 2:It's going on my to-do list, yeah so maybe the tidiness that gets you frustrated if you look into it is probably because actually for you it really feels important for you to be organized and to be on top of things and for things to kind of be in their right places.
Speaker 1:This is not where this lives. You've put the proper thought in the wrong place or you just left it out. More more likely than you've just left it out yeah, yeah, interesting.
Speaker 2:Don't come on to my house because it's not, it's not something that I have really.
Speaker 1:No, it's the, the. You get to know your values. I mean, that was really helpful for me because I was like, of course, that must be a value of mine. Um, hopefully some other people have had some light bulb moments. Yeah, hopefully. And then, then what's the next thing?
Speaker 2:you recommend people move on so the next thing is where. The next thing, I think, is to start to have a look at your strengths. So one. There's lots of different ways that you can identify your strengths, but one free way to do this is if you google via, which is values in action, so via character strengths, you they'll take you. It'll take you to a survey. You have to sign up with your email address, but you don't have to pay anything, and then you complete that survey and it will give you.
Speaker 2:So they they've done so much research across different cultures, across different countries. They've literally I mean, I don't know how many people have done the this quiz, but it's been going for a long time and it's evidence. It's evidence-based and they're collecting evidence as well all of the time, but basically, they've identified that there are 24 character strengths that all of us have to a stronger or lesser degree, and what they will do once you've gone through the survey is that they'll give you those character strengths in order of you. So, as we were saying before, we're all unique. You can imagine only 24, but actually 24 in different orders gives you a vast amount of different possibilities for the order that they come out in. So it will give you your order, and then that basically means that the top, the number one, is the strength that you use the most, and then, right down to 24, is the strength that you use the least. It doesn't mean you don't have it, it just means that you utilize it the least. Use the least. It doesn't mean you don't have it, it just means that you utilize it the least.
Speaker 2:Now, that is really interesting, is a really really interesting survey to do. Now. I don't ever believe that anybody can tell you who you are, and so, actually, although this is a starting point, I the next step to do, then, is, once you've got that list, is for you to have a look at what you actually think you know. Actually, you know. For me, I can't even remember what my top one is now, but love of learning is up there in my top five and I'm like, yeah, absolutely, I literally love learning. I'll learn about everything and anything.
Speaker 1:I'm like that. I always read like a self--help mine's normally a business book before bed, but it always is something where I'm learning.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, I just I just love it and actually a lot, a lot of people do.
Speaker 2:Obviously it's why it's one of our top characters chance for everybody, you know in that in that 24, but so it'll tell you that.
Speaker 2:But then I think teamwork for me was quite down the bottom and actually, having been a nurse in the NHS, teamwork was so vital you know, it was literally that was what was part of keeping the day going, was having teamwork.
Speaker 2:So that was for me was a bit of like oh, but I am, I am good at teamwork, but really I guess it's it's looking at my a snapshot of my life right now that maybe I don't have the opportunity to use it as much and therefore that's of my life right now that maybe I don't have the opportunity to use it as much, and therefore that's why it wasn't put that put up at the top. So it doesn't mean that I have to accept that I'm not good at it because it's lower down. It just means I get to see it and look at it and think, well, actually maybe I'm not using it as much in my life right now. So it's a great survey. The results will give you some information, but then the next step is definitely for you to have a look at it and think well, is this, is this?
Speaker 1:And if you agree with it, what do you do with it? Do you think I'm going to lean into the strengths of the work on the week? This is what. What do you do once you've got your list?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So that's a really interesting question and there's a lot to do with it. Lot to do with it. But, first and foremost, if you look for ways to use those top values in particular in your day-to-day life or day-to-day work, then that's linked with higher levels of happiness and well-being. So, again, in the research it's found that if you're using your, your strengths regularly, then you'll have a sense, a higher sense of well-being, which is just like using your values as well. You know values and strengths. It's going to make you happier because they're energising. So, your strengths, when you're using your strengths, you are most likely to be feeling energised in the activity that you're doing and, again, that's what the reason is you probably feel like you're doing a good job.
Speaker 1:Because you probably are doing a good job, yeah, exactly exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:It's kind of like you know you can, you can almost just imagine. It just makes sense, doesn't it? That actually, if you're doing something that you're good at, then you're going to be enjoying it and it brings that. So, first and foremost, that's what to do. Secondly is to not think about the bottom ones as weaknesses, because they're not weaknesses, they're just not ones you get as much opportunity to use and can be developed, but they're not necessarily identified as things that you can't do. They're just not ones you get as much opportunity to use and can be developed, but they're not necessarily identified as things that you can't do. They're just things that you haven't been using as much. So the next step is to have a look at those and think well, which ones of those could I use more? You know, actually, is there a way of me bringing teamwork into my leadership, for example?
Speaker 1:you don't want to use them, you know, and I don't like that. I don't want to be. I mean, I'm not sure a lot of people want to be in a team. Yeah, I'm not like working on my own. Is there anything wrong with that?
Speaker 2:absolutely not and actually, you know, like you say, teamwork might there might be an example that most people do want, but there is spirituality, is on there as a strength and that's an interesting one for many people because obviously, spirituality and thinking about faith some people think that that is religion, you know, and actually you're supposed to have a religion, and actually it's not that at all. If you have a religion and you have a faith and that's your spirituality, then that is, it will probably what it will be for you. But actually, you know, for me, for example, my spirituality might be more around actually my authenticity and kind of my connection with myself and the world as a kind of bigger than me thing and where my place in the world sits. That might be spirituality for me. So it can mean different things, again, like values, it can mean different things to different people, but ultimately I could decide, you know what, spirituality is just not my main focus. It's just not. It's not what I want to focus on. There are other things that feel more important to me and that's absolutely fine. That's absolutely fine for you to just go. Yeah, actually no, that's not something.
Speaker 2:But then the other thing is there are the strengths, that we have all of those 24 character strengths. We can overuse them and we can underuse them. So they talk in the research about the golden mean. So there's a place where actually we use our strengths but we don't use them to debt, to the detriment of ourselves. So love, for example, is one strength that we might have, and love can be an amazing strength, of course, to use, and even in leadership. You know the kind of the love of the organization and of the team and the kind of the way that you're able to communicate with people. But of course, actually ultimately that could take you the wrong way. It could mean that you focus too much on giving love and care to somebody and not enough on looking at other areas you know, like curiosity, for example, or other strengths.
Speaker 1:So it's really important to balance the use of all of them because you hear a lot of people that are so desperate to be loved they can put up with quite toxic relationships. I know we're probably speaking about work, but actually I suppose it's yeah, like you said, it's looking at your strength but then making sure that those strengths don't turn into a weakness or a handicap either yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think prudence is another one that might be. A good example of prudence kind of the way that prudence is described as a strength is is that you look at the different opportunities and you, you know, you kind of seek out the evidence behind the different opportunities and then you can choose the best decision. So it's a good thing. But of course, you can be too prudent in the sense that you might never make a decision because you're looking too heavily at all of the the research and the evidence behind something. So that's probably an easier way of describing how we can be too much of something or too little of something and there's there's that golden mean in between. So after you've looked at using your top strengths, looking at improving some of the lowest strengths, if you want to, then it's a really good idea to look at the balance use of those strengths and making sure that you're not overusing or underusing the strengths I think this is a really good thing as well, not just for us.
Speaker 2:If you're listening to this and you're supporting a child that's maybe taking gcses or as, or thinking about what they want to do in their career and I you know, it's something we never did as a teenager I think it would save a lot of people from ending up in jobs that they hate yeah, and actually if you come back to that thing we were talking about before around success, but you know, actually if we think the kind of the pinnacle of us being a good person is is doing well at school, you know, or getting high grades at school, then we can fall short of that really easily. But actually, if we're looking at a person as a whole and actually maybe getting good grades might be part of that, but there's so much more to who a person is than those specific things that we get told are the things that we measure a person against, you know, and actually the strengths is a real holistic way of looking at somebody.
Speaker 1:Um, so yeah, absolutely in children your values and strengths change as you go through life yeah, absolutely that evolve.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they'll evolve. You know, compassion has always been in me. That's something that you know I always showed as a kid. I, you know, I went into nursing and then here I am using it in my coaching as well. So it's been a thread that's always been there. But yeah, at the same time, you know they'll they'll ebb and flow, just like many things.
Speaker 2:So they actually say, with the survey, you can do it a few different times over a space of time and see how they change. And, of course, life events you know things that happen to us can change what we value having or being, as well as, you know, being able to bring our strength to the fore, or realizing that we have strengths we didn't realize that we had before, you know. So, yeah, they can definitely change and once you've done something or identified it, it doesn't have to stay. You know, I'm looking up there at my values and I'm like I need to change my list that I have upon the wall, because I have generosity up there and I do think I am generous, but actually at the minute, generosity doesn't feel like it's my main thing. That I'm focusing on being. It's acceptance is much more important than authenticity okay, so don't value strengths.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at your, your list and the next time I was like what? Because then you put eulogy.
Speaker 2:I know, I know it probably seems funny, so it's another evidence-based exercise and it's in the world of positive psychology, but they were looking at. One exercise that you could do as to kind of explore who you are and what you want in life is to write out your own eulogy, and so, imagining, you know, hundreds of years not hundreds of years, but a long, long, long way in the future, imagining that you're writing out what you would want people to be saying about you and the way that you lived your life. Yeah, and actually and I've kind of written it down there, but there's, there's this point of thinking, you know, do you want to be remembered as the person that was constantly striving for something that they never achieved? You know, always striving for the next thing, which is what many, many of us do, you know, because that's how we kind of have been taught to live our lives. I suppose you know, achieve something and then strive for the next thing. Or do you want to be remembered?
Speaker 1:That's why people climb up the ladder, whether it's like the property ladder, the career ladder, exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and then the next ladder and the next one and the next one. Yeah, you know, or do you want people to remember, like for me, you know my authenticity, my compassion? Actually, that would make me far happier to think that they were saying you know, jen was always authentic, you know she was always herself and she allowed other people to be themselves around her and she was compassionate. That's what I would want people to write about me. And so it's thinking about what is it that you would want people to write about the way that you lived your life? What is it that you would want people to write about the way that you lived your life?
Speaker 2:Now it obviously it sounds slightly depressing to think about, but actually, if you're able to disconnect from the emotional aspect of what a eulogy is which, of course, for some people that are listening to this, that may feel quite hard and I apologize to those people if that does bring something up that you're experiencing in your life right now. But if you're not experiencing something that would bring those emotions up, then actually this is a really good exercise to do as a way of little insight into into yourself and thinking about actually, what is it you want to be remembered for. And therefore, what is it? What is the way that you want to live your life? You know, it's the values, it's the strengths, and then it's whatever else comes up when you're thinking about that eulogy.
Speaker 1:I did a workshop earlier in the year, this manifestation workshop, and it was. It was slightly similar but slightly different, and she was sort of saying be the person you want to be in a year's time today interesting yes, think about who you want to be in a year and then act from that place today yeah, a similar, similar concept, isn't it?
Speaker 1:and then act from that place today. Yeah, a similar, similar concept. Isn't it brilliant? Okay, and then boundaries. How so? This is all brilliant, but this is something that people struggle with a lot, isn't it? The boundaries yeah.
Speaker 2:So, before we get to boundaries, we would want to define success, and this is obviously we touched on it at the beginning but ultimately what we want to do. Once you've got your values, your strengths and your, your eulogy, you want to think about what does success actually mean to you, not the kind of you know career, amount of money that you're paid, for example, or the other things that the world tells us is success, but actually what does successfully living your life mean to you? So, for example, for me, I am currently successfully living my life because I am making choices every day, along with Marnie, to have the things that we want to have, which is freedom, and I also get to live out my values and my strengths in my coaching as well. So, career-wise and life-wise, I am living a successful life, and that's interesting because actually, I would never go on.
Speaker 1:I feel like that. So I feel like I'm living exactly the life that I wanted to live. Um, you know, in my 20s and teenage years I think, yeah, I've got. You know, I really enjoy my job. Um, it gives me a good work-life balance, I can work from home. But then there is still and this part of me and I don't know if you feel it a little bit of I really enjoy my job, it gives me a good work-life balance, I can work from home. Then there is still and this part of me and I don't know if you feel it a little bit of still comparison. You look at somebody else that seems to have more and then, oh, actually is it good enough? And it's that noise. How do you quieten that noise, even if you are enjoying your life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but that's the values bit, that, even if you are enjoying your life, yeah, but that's the values bit. That's when you know, if you and me were having a coaching session right now and you were saying that to me, I would be drawing you back to what your values are, because actually and I've done this recently with somebody you know who was talking about success for them, and success for them is is freedom as well, and actually they have paid off their mortgage. They're, you know, she's my age, she's, you know, she's early 40s, she's paid off her mortgage already. And yet she could find it quite easy to compare herself to the next person who's got a really massive, beautiful house, you know, and you know this car, etc. Etc. But actually for her freedom really matters. So for her success isn't that big house and that amazing car. Her success is driving the kind of, you know, average car that she drives, living in a house that is a nice-ish you know nice enough house, but that she doesn't have a mortgage on that's success.
Speaker 2:And so exactly what you were talking about there that kind of comparison, that questioning of whether it's good enough that's when the values come in, because the values, interestingly, don't have an actual value you know like is there enough freedom? I suppose there is a question there and we can ask ourselves. But it's harder to compare because actually am I living on a way that gives me freedom, yes, or no? Yes, and therefore that's success. You know, I'm not looking at whether I, at whether or not I'm giving myself more freedom or less freedom than somebody else, because ultimately your values are so unique to you that actually it's not so easy to compare it to somebody else because I might have more freedom than you do.
Speaker 2:For example, school holidays, as one example. I have more freedom in that because we home educate, but does that mean that I'm better than you? Does that mean that I have more freedom in that because we home educate? But does that mean that I'm better than you? Does that mean that I have more success? Actually, no, it doesn't. It just means that for me I have the freedom that I want, but it doesn't make me better or worse than you, you know, and it doesn't make you better or worse than me. The comparison it becomes not about the comparison between you and somebody else, it just becomes about what is right for you interesting, you know.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess it has to have to have a certain level of confidence. If you've done all this work, you've defined your level of success and you think, yeah, you know what, I'm happy with my life, for everything that I want. But then you might be getting family pressure, neighbors, friends oh, you should be doing this, you should be doing that. Yeah, that's an even harder noise to quieten down than just being on social media. You know, if you're in a room with somebody that's telling you that what you're doing is not good enough, yeah, how would you deal with that situation?
Speaker 2:and again I think I come back to you know the coaching process. This is something that it's. It's interesting this is coming out in the way that we're having this conversation, because that often happens. It's like right, okay, so now I've defined it, now I'm aiming for it, now I've got everyone else telling me I'm doing the wrong thing. You know, it's kind of like oh god, this is it.
Speaker 1:You know you start up on your own business. You do get that. What are you doing?
Speaker 2:you know you get this back the other and then you feel you're justifying it a lot and then it makes you doubt yourself yeah, and I think that's the thing, that that doubting yourself and listening to other people that's a key part of person-centered definition of authenticity is resisting external influence and actually that is this next part of like right. Okay, I have explored who I am. I do know what it is that I want and now I've got to reinforce that. I've got to reinforce that so that it creates this bubble around me that actually other people are entitled to their own opinions, their own views, their own values, strengths, whatever. But actually there has to be a point where we build ourself, our inner selves, up enough that actually we can allow other people's views and opinions to bounce off, you know, bounce off of us.
Speaker 2:And that's the journey that I've been on with home education, and I'm really fortunate because my sister is also home educated and we've made the decision at the same time. So I have me and Melanie. Obviously that's our decision, my sister, it's her and her husband's decision, and actually we're able to kind of you know, every so often not so much anymore, but in the first stages it was like you know, what am I going to do if someone asks me why? How am I going to answer that question? And you know, it became this very much like how do I present this to other people, how do I manage other people's expectations and other people's views, opinions, etc. But actually what the focus of me and my sister and my wife as well, have been really good at is, each time that's happened, just trying to refocus back on us, because actually other people's opinions of what I do with my children are not my business. That's their business. You know they can do what they want and if they want to judge, that's absolutely fine. What matters more is making the decision that's right for us and me and my children and my family, not making the decisions based on or trying to justify it even to somebody else.
Speaker 2:It's a journey because when we first started, I was petrified to take the girls out during the day because I didn't want to have to balance answering questions with somebody out in, you know, out of public, in front of the girls, like how do I do it, how do I say it, how do I get it right, whereas now I'm just like, yeah, we're home educating you, educating, you know. Yeah, I don't need to give you an explanation, but at the same time, if you want a you know, a friendly conversation about it, sure, but it then becomes not about what's best for people, not what's best for all children, but actually the focus is on me and my children, and for me and my children it's the best decision, but that doesn't mean that it, you know, I have have to justify that to anybody else, because it's mine and I think that's the part that we have to get to, and it's not easy, you know. That's one example, but it's also about who we are and the decisions that we're making in our lives.
Speaker 2:You know, we have to build ourselves up to be able to build up that, not a wall, but you know, something around ourselves that just allows other people's views and opinions to bounce off and and not penetrate and internalize them yeah, because you, you are allowed to be, you know and live how you want to live, as long as it's not actually causing harm to somebody else, which, of course, we can't say is okay but if it's not hurting anyone else as you know, I feel like you've heard this probably a million times if what you're doing is not harming anyone else, then you should be able to do what you want to do brilliant.
Speaker 1:So we've got your definition of success. Now, moving on to the boundaries, which I know a lot of people struggle with. They'll get an email at a time when they weren't planning to work, for example. I know they should, probably. I think that it's probably me at that time.
Speaker 2:But you know how do you set those boundaries whether it's colleagues, that your boss client yeah, I think boundaries is a really, really interesting and difficult thing at the same time, and I don't think it's as easy, as you know, just setting firm boundaries. You know, I was coaching somebody recently and in the coaching session we actually were imagining that there was um. You know, I was coaching somebody recently and in the coaching session we actually were imagining that there was um. You know, like on a farm that you have like a fence all around and then there was a gate and there was a gatekeeper as well and we kind of used that as a way of kind of exploring. Actually there is a gate and some things can come inside and outside of it. We don't have to set a rule. You know, I will not email anybody after 5 pm, for example, like that's not.
Speaker 1:You know, I have tried to do actually, which I feel is is better, is I email, because I do work a lot in the evening when the kids go to bed, but rather than and I email them, but you can do a schedule send yeah, they receive the emails the next day, which I feel is a kind of way of working for other people yeah, and I work a lot in the evenings as well for similar reason.
Speaker 2:You know, because I've managed my diary and that's flexibly how that works for me. So this schedule send and then other people have a note on the bottom. You know, I work flexible hours. Please do not feel that you need to respond outside of working hours etc.
Speaker 2:I think there's lots of different ways to do those things, but I think for me, with boundaries, ultimately we want to get to a point where we know what our boundaries are and why we're holding them. You know and again this comes back to everything that we've talked about so far in this session but our values and our strengths and how we want to be, you know, remembered for how we've lived our life, for example. So really, what we want to do is identify what the boundaries are first of all, and I'm kind of meaning about those you know, those boundaries around our values, for example. You know, for me I need to have a think about scenarios that if there's repeated scenarios in my life where I'm in a situation where I can't behave in a way that's aligned with who I want to be, then that's when I need to kind of take stock and think, what do I want to do about that? You know, do I want to forcibly do my values more in that place or do I want to step away from that place? And you know that sounds simpler than it is. Of course there's much more detail that we'd need to figure out around that and that's the being part.
Speaker 2:But then there's also other situations where actually I don't get to have what I want to have in my life. You know, freedom or acceptance, and of course you know I don't get freedom when I go to someone else's house, to. You know, be and do whatever I want to do in their house. Of course I don't, because that's part of living. You know life, we respect each other's spaces et cetera, so it's not necessarily about, you know, I'm not going into any space where I can't do whatever I want.
Speaker 2:But, actually, looking at you know, are there times where I my kind of decisions or things that I want to do, my choices, don't get to play a part, because freedom is something I really do want to have. Then actually, what do I need to do about that, you know, do I need to step away? Do I need to have conversations? What is it that I need to do.
Speaker 2:When I talk about boundaries in this, in this context, really, I'm looking at defining what our boundaries are first of all, before we can then explore what is it that we need to do? What are the steps we need to take to put a boundary and hold a boundary around this? You know, for example, working late in an evening for you and me, that works, you know, and actually if it works for you and it works for me, then actually we might have a podcast recording in an evening. I mean, we've not we've done this in the day, but you know we could do that because it works for both of us, you know. Or it might be that you do allow one boundary to be a bit looser when it's a particular person in a particular situation.
Speaker 1:You know something's maybe it's a particular time where you maybe you think generally I'm not going to work evening, but I've got a big project I want you know. It's got a deadline I'm going to make I'm making this decision because it works best for me?
Speaker 2:yeah, absolutely so. That's the thing is. Is that starting point of like why you know, why is this value really important to me? And actually it's not value sorry, this boundary and actually, if those boundaries are related to your values and your you know what you, how you want to live your life and be as a leader or in life and more generally then that means that that the boundary potentially becomes easier to maintain, in the sense that actually you know why it's so important to you. So then you get to choose whether you hold that boundary or whether you let it go, depending on the situation and depending on your choice and what you want what do you think is the most important thing to do out of all the things we've talked about today?
Speaker 1:what would, if people only have time or the inclination someone you know, because there's obviously a lot of work and it's a lot of inner work and you know in time to do that. What would you suggest was the most more way be where to start?
Speaker 2:I think, to be honest, I've started this podcast with values because that's where I always, always start. But actually I think if you were going to be you know your time restrained and you only just want to do one thing, then maybe just do the eulogy, you know it's. It's one exercise that is evidence-based and there's a lot of research that supports how beneficial that can be. So if you really only have a short amount of time, then just do that, but really do it all and do it all and I know I'm going to sound biased here, but do it all with a coach as well. Do it all with somebody.
Speaker 1:I was going to say how could you help somebody do this? Then how do you work with people? Well, this is.
Speaker 2:So there are a lot of things here that are just. You know, I've guided you through the steps in this podcast episode and actually you can do some of those steps on your own. Of course you can. The thing with coaching and the thing that coaching with me can do, is that actually, when you give an answer to a question, a coach can really listen to what it is that you're saying or not saying.
Speaker 1:It's like the tidy thing, isn't it? When I just say, oh, I get really stressed in my kitchen. Yeah, and you actually then unlocked that. So that's because you, maybe you're quite organized, oh yeah. And then it's like the penny drops even more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and actually, obviously this isn't a coaching session, so maybe I wouldn't have guided you directly to organization. I probably would have coached you around. Actually, what are the other words? What else does that do, what else does that link to? And then we could just keep going deeper. And actually the coaching element is where you're listened to. Everything you said is listened, and if I'm seeking, as a coach, to understand what you're saying, then I'll ask the question that's going to unlock that next level down and that's when we get to go deeper and deeper on the trail that you need to go down.
Speaker 2:But there's something about the coaching and I had a conversation recently with a previous client and she said to me she said I don't think I would have gotten to the questions that you asked by myself. You know she said from the first question you asked, I could answer it, but I wouldn't have thought to look at it from the direction that you were looking at it from. You know, it just gives you an outside perspective to allow you to explore it in a slightly different way. That perhaps allows you to go a little bit deeper. So that's what coaching will do. We're through all of these steps. You know. I can really help you to unpick it and to go even deeper into each of these, to really really get down to what it is that you want.
Speaker 2:You know who you are, what you want and what. What is your life about? And that is the foundation for everything you know. It's a foundation for your leadership. It's a foundation for living a life in a happy way. It's foundation for being the best. Everything you foundation for living a life in a happy way. It's foundation for being the best. Everything you know best parent best work, best you know best, whatever. That's. That's the foundation.
Speaker 1:That's the key to to get I know you've had so many nights, you've worked with a lot of clients and they've all said such lovely things about you and the work you've done and how transformative it's been. So, um, how can people connect with you, learn more about you and your?
Speaker 2:services. Wonderful, thank you. So I am on linkedin um jen smollett coaching and my website is wwwjensmollettcom. That's double l and double t and yeah, reach out to me on linkedin or booka call with me on the website as well. I'm open to conversations about what it is that you might want and need. If you want to get started with the values, then the free workbook that I will have. I'm sure Liz will share the link for that below. Yeah, and that's how to contact me.
Speaker 1:Brilliant Well. Thank you so much, jen, for joining me today. Thank you so much to everyone that has listened. Thank you for listening to another episode of the work. It like a mom podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review and subscribe, and don't forget to share the link with a friend. If you're on linkedin, please send me a connection request at elizabeth willett and let me know your thoughts on this week's episode. You can also follow my recruitment site investing in women on linkedin, facebook and instagram. Until next time, keep on chasing your biggest dreams episode. You can also follow my recruitment site Investing in Women on LinkedIn, facebook and Instagram. Until next time, keep on chasing your biggest dreams.